In the Early Times by Tad Friend

Author:Tad Friend [Friend, Tad]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2022-05-10T00:00:00+00:00

“It’s probably better in the original Korean,” I said—and instantly, as Addison ran off in tears, wished I hadn’t. Whatever your kids get excited about, encourage it.

* * *

—

In 2004, Day came to Manhattan for a session of the Group: a cornerstone of Paul’s process was bringing parents in to question them. Day looked uneasy as he scanned the circle, trying to figure out who was in charge. I felt anxious and numb.

When someone asked him about Mom, Day said, “She was controlling. Charmingly controlling, but extremely so.” He told a story I’d never heard: when I was a toddler, Mom had angrily yanked me up from the floor, dislocating my shoulder. The doctor had to reset it. “Here was a man she could resent and he could not respond—a two-year-old child,” Day said, feelingly.

Someone asked about the Swarthmore years. “I wish I could have been a decent college president and a great father,” he said, “but I was an okay college president and a passable father.” He added that he hadn’t had a role model for any of it: “I do feel immeasurably better off as a father than as a son. And Tad and I can talk about what matters!” He looked over, and I nodded.

Paul smiled wolfishly and said, “We have seen Tad growing in expressing himself emotionally, not just cerebrally, in here. Have you noticed this growth?”

“I have noticed,” Day said. “I don’t measure it. I am glad to talk with him about anything at any time.”

We had dinner afterward, and I thanked him, knowing that he’d felt exposed and that he surely hated being unable to tidy up the impressions he’d given. It was a quiet meal. Day wrote an Indonesian friend to describe the session: “I was usefully revealing and candid, while maintaining balance and proportion, and some dignity within indignities. Tad seemed to appreciate it as useful, although he admitted it was exhausting just listening. And I certainly felt drained by an hour and a half onstage before 8 bright thirty-something Manhattanites and their guru.” He concluded, “I am tempted to say that it is advanced shamanistic ritual, without resulting in the purifications possible through priesthood. Tad would answer, Socratically I suppose, that self-knowledge is better than absolution. He certainly seems confident and happy. But I would attribute most of that to Amanda.”

He told his analyst that he had misgivings about his conduct, particularly about having revealed that Mom had yanked me up: “Tad may overfix on it.” His analyst, who had also treated Mom, said, “The shoulder story bothered Elizabeth a good deal.” It didn’t upset me, though; I’d always felt that Mom’s ebullience about me was shadowed by guilt.

His therapist’s overall view, according to Day’s notes, was “Tad is afraid E. hampered his masculinity, and that I didn’t intercede enough for him.” As result, the therapist suggested, I identified with Mom and later “cast” Amanda as Day in my internal drama. I was angry because I really wanted to be Day: “Tad fears he didn’t choose the stronger parent.

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