In the Early Times by Tad Friend
Author:Tad Friend [Friend, Tad]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2022-05-10T00:00:00+00:00
âItâs probably better in the original Korean,â I saidâand instantly, as Addison ran off in tears, wished I hadnât. Whatever your kids get excited about, encourage it.
* * *
â
In 2004, Day came to Manhattan for a session of the Group: a cornerstone of Paulâs process was bringing parents in to question them. Day looked uneasy as he scanned the circle, trying to figure out who was in charge. I felt anxious and numb.
When someone asked him about Mom, Day said, âShe was controlling. Charmingly controlling, but extremely so.â He told a story Iâd never heard: when I was a toddler, Mom had angrily yanked me up from the floor, dislocating my shoulder. The doctor had to reset it. âHere was a man she could resent and he could not respondâa two-year-old child,â Day said, feelingly.
Someone asked about the Swarthmore years. âI wish I could have been a decent college president and a great father,â he said, âbut I was an okay college president and a passable father.â He added that he hadnât had a role model for any of it: âI do feel immeasurably better off as a father than as a son. And Tad and I can talk about what matters!â He looked over, and I nodded.
Paul smiled wolfishly and said, âWe have seen Tad growing in expressing himself emotionally, not just cerebrally, in here. Have you noticed this growth?â
âI have noticed,â Day said. âI donât measure it. I am glad to talk with him about anything at any time.â
We had dinner afterward, and I thanked him, knowing that heâd felt exposed and that he surely hated being unable to tidy up the impressions heâd given. It was a quiet meal. Day wrote an Indonesian friend to describe the session: âI was usefully revealing and candid, while maintaining balance and proportion, and some dignity within indignities. Tad seemed to appreciate it as useful, although he admitted it was exhausting just listening. And I certainly felt drained by an hour and a half onstage before 8 bright thirty-something Manhattanites and their guru.â He concluded, âI am tempted to say that it is advanced shamanistic ritual, without resulting in the purifications possible through priesthood. Tad would answer, Socratically I suppose, that self-knowledge is better than absolution. He certainly seems confident and happy. But I would attribute most of that to Amanda.â
He told his analyst that he had misgivings about his conduct, particularly about having revealed that Mom had yanked me up: âTad may overfix on it.â His analyst, who had also treated Mom, said, âThe shoulder story bothered Elizabeth a good deal.â It didnât upset me, though; Iâd always felt that Momâs ebullience about me was shadowed by guilt.
His therapistâs overall view, according to Dayâs notes, was âTad is afraid E. hampered his masculinity, and that I didnât intercede enough for him.â As result, the therapist suggested, I identified with Mom and later âcastâ Amanda as Day in my internal drama. I was angry because I really wanted to be Day: âTad fears he didnât choose the stronger parent.
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